Cancer Is Not for Pu$$ies

Yep, it's vulgar. So is cancer.

Last Monday sucked.

Seka couldn't get comfortable and didn't want to move around too much. She was panting no matter if she was laying down or standing up. Needless to say, I freaked out. This was her first truly bad day since her diagnosis. A day where I couldn't figure out how to make her happy or at least pain-free. A day where every time she moved I felt like I needed to jump up and help her in fear of her falling over or worse, breaking her leg.

I called every greyhound expert I know. I emailed them too. If you are one of the people that I attacked on Monday, I thank you for dealing with my crazy. Adjusting pain meds and getting fancy oncologists to call you back can consume you. I'm thankful for the fantastic resources through GreyTalk and various Yahoo groups. I'm just sad that all of their experience is thanks to this disease.

Seka's limp has become more pronounced these days. She isn't panting while she is standing nor while she is laying down. I've assumed she will always limp, although some people tell me her altered gait is what I should be using to measure her pain. I don't always feel like I'm doing the right thing, but I'm trying to do my best.

Monday was the first day I felt hopeless, and realized that only the worst was ahead for the both of us. This chapter in our lives together will conclude with only one ending, and it's not pretty.

So, Monday gave me a gut check -  "Are you tough enough to care for her through to the end?"  This week I've had to have a good cry and give myself a pep talk. Hopefully my strength and focus won't waiver too much from here on out. Suck it up buttercup!

PS: My pity party is embarrassing when I think about my friend Shelley, who was diagnosed with stage two breast cancer in October. She's fighting with everything she has, including the most amazing positive attitude. 

Digging My New Bed

We have dog beds in just about every room in our house. Cheap beds from Walmart. Expensive beds from fancy online places. Homemade beds stuffed with old clothes and monogrammed. Remember the evil Orvis bed?

They really should be called fluffy rugs, puffy stain covers, or fancy sit-upons, because rarely do the dogs use them. I use them more than they do while they consume the whole sofa. This is not a complaint. This is just a fact of my home and most of the time I love it.

I know there will come a time when Seka may not feel like jumping up and down off of our sofa or our bed, so I took advantage of the online sales and ordered 3 new beds for our Queen Bee, in addition to considering the purchase of a twin mattress for our bedroom.

This bed, from Drs Foster & Smith, is enormous and actually can fit both of my girls on it at the same time - if they are willing to touch each other. From the first day this bed was in our house, Seka has been obsessed with digging in it. She has always been a nester, but full fledged digging with both front feet is something new for her.

Yes, that front leg is the leg her cancer is in. Obviously it doesn't hurt enough for her not to do it right now and it seems to make her much more content, so I'm trying not to freak out every time she begins her efforts to dig a hole in her brand new fancy bed.The funny thing is, after all the digging, she only lays on it for just a few minutes before getting up on the sofa. So for now, this giant dog lounger is really just an overstuffed carpet.

I may or may not have tested it out while watching a couple of episodes of the Walking Dead this weekend. Someone has to break it in.

Happy 2014 - Sort Of

Happy 2014, everyone.

I've been away from this space for exactly one year. I guess I needed a long break. It is hard seeing my beloved girls getting older and slower, so I really didn't feel like I had anything worth while to share.

2013 didn't include very much in the way of exciting outings or adventures for my fur babies. Seka went to the chiropractor every two weeks. Roxy went on a couple of walking dates with our neighbor's dog. We went to the beach in April with the girls in tow and enjoyed running in the sand. Seka and I spent a second year as the READing Dog team at a local elementary school. I left the girls at Manyhounds Inn for 15 days this summer while we drove up the east coast and have sworn I will never be separated from them again for that long. I started buying raw dog food from a local butcher and the girls have become celebrities when we go pick up the goods.

See - nothing too exciting. In fact, our Facebook page is full of pictures of the girls sleeping on the sofa. We've become a retirement home.

Then in December, Seka started limping on her front right leg. And like any greyhound mom, I immediately got sick to my stomach, even though thanks to the arthritis in her back and back legs she has had limping episodes frequently that go away. After our chiropractor gave her an adjustment and we didn't see any improvement, I went in for x-rays.

When Dr. Hottie took her back for x-rays, I somehow knew what they would show. Call it mother's intuition. I was right. Osteosarcoma, in the right front leg. After a review by an oncologist at OSU, Seka officially had her cancer card.

We had no treatment options. Her deformed back hip and arthritis combo didn't make her a candidate for amputation. And without amputation, chemo is pointless. Thank goodness I have a great chiropractor/holistic vet in our
life and she has been a blessing in helping me find the right supplements and adjust her diet to give her as much time as we possibly can.

What I hate more than anything is not knowing how advanced it is or how long we have. It's like walking around in a dark room with a hole in the floor. You know you're eventually going to fall in it, but you don't know when it will happen.

What I'm most afraid of more than anything is a pathologic break. I don't want that for her. I don't want that for us.

I wish more than anything that I could explain to her what was going on. Why mommy cuddles her and cries a little each day. Why she now has to have weird powered stuff in her food. Why she has to go out on a leash instead of running after squirrels in the back yard with Roxy.

So I've come back to this space to share our journey - however long that might be. Writing has always been a comfort to me. I hope it doesn't let me down when I need it the most.